Captain Shiny Girl... and the Avenging Toilet Paper Rolls

It was a normal morning for Captain Shiny Girl, as she got up that morning. No one would have thought that in only 5 minutes from then, she'd be creating a havoc like World War 3. Captain Shiny Girl couldn't have known that her choices that morning would affect her whole entire life!! So, she got up, after hitting the snooze button on her alarm clock 5 times, and jumped out of bed... Well, more slid and fell onto the floor... Nonetheless, she left the comfortable warm cozy covers of her blanket and the chill from the air conditioning that was always on even when it's minus 10 outside hit her and her eyes were opened. Needless to say, our hero was not the most awake this morning. Which should excuse her following actions.

She slowly stumbled into the bathroom and found yet again, an empty toilet paper roll. For some reason it had become an increasing phenomenon that who ever used the bathroom before Captain Shiny Girl always managed to use just enough toilet paper that they never finished the roll, but left one toilet paper square on the roll to convey the image that they were not responsible for using up the toilet paper and therefore, changing the toilet paper roll. Alas, our hero was reduced to such duties as changing the roll, YET AGAIN.

It must be made known before I continue that Captain Shiny Girl was not the most awake this particular morning, and had she been awake, would have chosen more carefully her next choice of action. She opened the cupboard where the horde of toilet paper rolls was kept and reached in and grabbed one. Little did she know that by doing so, she was comitting an act that has defied generations for years... separating a toilet paper roll family.

"Mom? What's going on? Why is she opening the cupboard door??!! They just put Uncle Tommy out there yesterday!! They've used him all up already??" Little Jimmy TPR (Toilet Paper Roll... quite a respectable last name, but too long to use here) whispered, in a panicked voice.

"It's okay son," boomed Granpappy TPR. "Be strong! Just try and look less fluffy, they won't pick you!"

"Oh Granpappy! He's just a young'un! He still has the 'soft and strong for a comfy clean' look! He hasn't become old and wise and 'luxuriously soft and thick' like you!! They'll pick him for sure!! He's a goner!!" wailed Momma TPR. She held her little roll close, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Now, Momma, it's going to be okay. We'll push one of the cousins to the front... they have 'gentle care for the skin' and will do just as fine... Our Little Jimmy won't be picked today... Don't worry!" comforted Poppa TPR. He looked out as Captain Shiny Girl drowsily peered down into their little home.

The little toilet paper family huddled together in fear as Captain Shiny Girl looked down sleepily into the cupboard and reached in to grab one of the toilet paper rolls. Her hand slowly reached out and grabbed aimlessly at Granpappy TPR.

Granpappy looked back at his family as he slowly rose out of the cupboard.

"Farewell, my friends! I go on to a better place." Granpappy TPR called as he drifted out of sight.

This all had proved to be too much for Momma TPR and Little Jimmy...

"NOOO!!!" They screamed and launched themselves at Captain Shiny Girl's departing hand, which clutched in it's grasp their beloved Granpappy, while dragging along one of the sleeping, unsuspecting cousins.

Somehow, although Captain Shiny Girl was never quite sure on the actual events, the TPR family managed to knock Granpappy onto the floor while replacing him with Cousin Beaufort TPR. The TPR family, now on the floor, after realizing they had no legs with which to get themselves back into the cupboard, breathed heavily and awaited their doom. However, probably because of Captain Shiny Girl's lack of sleep and awakeness at the moment, she didn't notice the little reconnaissance mission that had gone down and put Cousin Beaufort on the toilet paper holder. Then turning around, she saw the three escapees on the floor and picked them up and put them back in their cupboard home with their relieved family.

"Whew! That was too close for comfort!" Granpappy whistled, resting now in the safety of their humble abode... "We're going to have to move further to the back to avoid a episode like that again in the near future... I don't think my heart can handle it!"

Poppa TPR gathered his family in for a group hug and then they were enveloped in darkness once again as Captain Shiny Girl closed the cupboard door.

Morale of the story: Pick your toilet paper wisely.

© 2005 Crystal Hyde ... I mean, Captain Shiny Girl